The Gratitude Paradox

Inspired by Thanksgiving in the United States, I was wondering what makes it hard for us to be thankful sometimes?

I have had many moments over the last months when I have felt depleted and tired and found myself “complaining”. Friends or family members have found it their duty to remind me all the things I have to be grateful for. My immediate reaction is always “But that’s not the point. Don’t you get it. I AM grateful for all those things but… this really upset me/hurt me/angered me and I am just NOT HAPPY now”.

Funnily enough, I even came across a Gratitude journal this week which I probably purchased two years ago with such great intentions. Every evening before bed, write three things you are grateful for. Simple. Powerful. Positive. Excellent. Tracy, do that! 
The little journal is really nice looking and inviting and yet its been buried in my nightstand for longer than I care to admit.

So why? Why is it that some of us (yours truly completely included) find the negative easier to focus on than the positive?
Are we just crappy humans or is there something more to it?

Actually, research shows us that negative emotions are more noticeable than positive emotions. There are more ways to describe negative emotional experiences than positive ones and negative emotion words tend to hold more information and be more differentiated than positive emotion words. In addition people ruminate about negative experiences far more that about positive ones.

The reason is pretty basic and like many things dates back to our evolutionary survival instincts. Negative emotions hold more functional value. They indicate threat and danger to the self, both physically and emotionally. One would be wiser to attend to negative stimuli on a whole because you are more likely to survive. Ain’t no point in smelling the roses with a lion about to bite your behind.

Great then. We have a biological reasons to be miserable and complain about things. Noted. I shall tell people the next time they tell me to be grateful that I am not being petty. I am just being attuned to negativity in an evolutionary sense. Excellent!

However, there is also a twist to this tale. Hmmmm. I thought I had a perfect excuse.

Cognitive researchers for decades have spoken about the  “Pollyanna Principle” which is the tendency to focus more on the positive than the negative. We are also prone to recall more positive than negative memories. In therapy, it takes time for people to really dig deep and uncover their negative or painful memories. It’s not that they aren’t there, but we actually prefer not to recall them. So it almost seems like we WANT to be optimists, look at the glass-half full and all that. 

However, in cases of clinical depression, trauma or burn out, this process is interrupted and its harder to access positive appraisals of situations and relationships.

Right then, bringing us back to Thanksgiving and gratitude journals. Should we work very hard to look at the positive and put the negative aside? The answer I think lies in the integration between the two sides of ourselves. We are not one or the other. Optimists or pessimists. Grinches or Pollyannas. We all hold both sides within us.

COVID-19 has brought with it communal trauma, depletion, isolation, hopelessness, helplessness…all that yucky stuff. 
And yet, there have been spectacular moments of human resilience, kindness, strength, care and compassion too.

When we reflect on something hard or share that with others, sometimes we feel shame for “not being grateful”. We are reminded by ourselves and others that it could be worse, it actually IS worse for many and these are “first-world” problems. Cue a sense of shame and inadequacy and the need to plaster positivity over our pain and difficulties. 

But our own negative emotions have place and validity and fill an important role in teaching us about ourselves and our needs. We often shouldn’t and can’t ignore these EVEN THOUGH we do have a lot to be grateful for.

Maybe then the solution is acknowledging that positive and negative are not mutually exclusive. They both exist and are important parts of the tapestry of experiences that makes us innately human. We don’t need to ignore one in support of the other. One is not better or more acceptable than the other. All experiences and emotions just ARE….parts of ourselves, coming to teach us about our needs and our humanity.

So as we work on thanksgiving, maybe we can be thankful for the messiness of being human which includes beauty and pain and leaves us just being real.  

I am thankful that in a time where I wish I were home with my extended family, I have discovered an amazing sense of community with people who are willing to discover themselves and each other through deep and meaningful connection.

Wishing you all a Happy Thanksgiving!!