The “IN”s and “OUT”s of our core emotional needs

The “IN”s and “OUT”s of our core emotional needs

We all have emotional needs. They are the core of who we are as people. What are they and what happens when they aren’t met?

Reflecting on all that has happened over the past year, it is almost mindblowing.

A global pandemic, social isolation, social unrest, natural disasters… Yikes this has been quite a year. 

There is so MUCH going on, it is sometimes hard to break it down to understand why people are feeling as they are and what can be done to support ourselves, our loved ones and our community.  

When trying to understand the emotional backdrop of 2020, it is important to understand that we all have 2 core emotional needs

• The need for ATTACHMENT 
• The need for IDENTITY 

What are Attachment needs?

Attachment is about feeling safe and secure. 

This may be about having a stable income, a safe and consistent place to live, secure and positive relationships, emotional safety with people we engage and work with and of course physical health and safety. 

When our needs for emotional safety are not met, we feel anxious and insecure.

What are Identity needs?

Identity is the need to feel valid, worthwhile and good at what we do. In a relationship context and in the workplace, we all need to feel adequate within ourselves and as a result we have deep needs to be viewed positively. 

A core emotion that emerges when our identity needs aren’t met is SHAME, one of the most painful emotional senses.

In the current context of COVID and the instability of the past months, so many people have been left feeling insecure AND inadequate. Core safety needs have been shaken and in the context of a everlasting trauma, we are depleted and not at our best, so may feel inadequate and ashamed about this.

The thing with these emotions is… We feel alone in the experience of them. 

Often people feel “Only I am this abnormal, weird or weak” and yet, these emotion states are definitively human and actually rather common.

When seeking how to manage these emotion needs that are perhaps compromised at this time, there are a few steps:

1. UNDERSTANDING AND ACKNOWLEGMENT: To a large extent our emotion states create discomfort and discontentment but we find it difficult to actually understand WHAT we are feeling. People often avoid negative emotions by numbing themselves through substances, activities that allow them to “switch off” and other methods which help to NOT feel. Others respond to the discomfort by expression of secondary emotions, often times becoming more angry and combative than usual (seeking to find someone to blame for all that is hard). One of the core steps to managing emotional difficulty is through getting REAL and acknowledging what we actually feel. This is not easy because with what we feel can often feel very vulnerable.
2. REGULATION AND SELF-CARE: Once we have acknowledged the vulnerable emotion, it is time to give ourselves a moment to be kind and compassionate to ourselves in our vulnerability. Taking time to recognise, soothe and calm ourselves is essential. This might mean going on walks, making time for ourselves, journaling, breathing and generally reflecting.
3. UNDERSTANDING WHAT WE NEED: Once we have peeled back the layers and uncovered our core emotions, it is important to recognize what we actually NEED. Do we need support, comfort, recognition, stronger boundaries or just need to lower expectations of ourselves and let go?
4. COMMUNICATING OUR NEEDS: We need to remember that everyone is on their own path and has different emotional needs. We can’t expect for others to know how to support us or interact with us if we don’t know ourselves. Once we have greater clarity on what we need, the question is how to express this.

Is it by sharing our deepest fears and concerns with a loved one? Explaining that we just need some reassurance? 

Is it by sharing our need for space and boundaries with a colleague out of a need for validation? 

It is really important to be clear in our communications with others regarding what we need from them.

Brene Brown so aptly states that “Clear is Kind”. Being clear within ourselves to express our needs clearly to others is an act of kindness towards ourselves and those around us

It might sound self-focused to reach out to meet our emotional needs but actually many emotional needs are met at an interpersonal level and the more fulfilled we are, the more we are able to support others with their own needs. The more real we are with ourselves and others, the more we are able to create a cycle of emotional support that allows us and those around to be SEEN, TRULY.

We all invariably have a deep need to feel seen, loved and valued but it is important to recognize that embarking on a journey to see ourselves first is essential.