The Basics of Boundaries

Sitting down to write an article about boundaries made laugh out loud. Granted I can talk to my clients about the importance of establishing healthy boundaries professionally and personally. I am acutely aware of the importance of taking time to walk slowly, reflect on our emotional needs and setting boundaries to make sure we are well emotionally and physically.

But if I am absolutely honest with myself, talking about boundaries is pretty rich coming from me.

One of the major proponents of my becoming a psychologist was when my own therapist as a teenager made a joke and told me it would be wise I move in the direction of a caring profession, otherwise I might quote-on-quote “take care of everyone around me and not get paid for it”. Half tongue in cheek and very true.

Each and every boundary I have is accidental so with the risk of being quite hypocritical, I am now sitting to write down the importance of boundaries and how we set them in a healthy fashion.

What are emotional boundaries?

Trying to distill it down, I would say it falls into a few categories. 

• Saying no 
• Speaking up when things don’t feel right
• Asking for things that we need 

The question is why it is so hard to set emotional boundaries?

It most likely stems from a fear of not being pleasing, liked or approved of.

The “NO”

If a colleague, friend or family member asks us to do something it is hard to say no as it may be perceived as disappointing, negativistic or selfish. We are so afraid of being any of these things, as it often brings up the fear of being disliked or rejected. Underlying this is a deep fear of shame and abandonment. So heavy.

The “Push-back”

Pointing out the things that don’t seem right can seem really scary as it can be perceived as trouble-making and oppositional. There is an implicit societal message that we should accept the societal order, that which is dictated by those “in power” and pushing back is seen as a mini “social uprising” which can be threatening and might need to be squashed.

Cue fear of shame and inadequacy and loss of self.

Asking for things that we need 

Now here’s the thing. Babies are born very self-entitled. “Give me, feed me, change me, soothe me.” But very quickly boundaries are created. Little children suddenly find they have to shower when they don’t want to, bedtime comes when they would much rather watch TV or hang out with their parents, broccoli instead of chocolate and so on and so on.

These firm boundaries set by parents and teachers are a necessity as we must “socialize” children to act appropriately.

Guilt and Shame are key agents of socialization, the roots of which are extremely old.

If you don’t listen nicely, you are “the naughty kid”. Good little girls and boys listen to their parents and teachers because if they just did what they wanted or needed in the moment… what would happen then?

It’s a bit of a catch 22 situation really because its true that boundaries, order and routine are important for children’s emotional well-being and sense of safety however the mechanisms of enforcing these boundaries through guilt, shame and fear of punishment lead to a situation where people become disconnected from what they want and need.

Not understanding our own boundaries is implicitly connected to a disconnection from self and personal needs. It is a core problem in our society.

In many cases, this sense of disconnection means people seek to find themselves through external validation which leads to a fear of failure and rejection. In other cases people seek to lose themselves through addictive behaviours and any mechanism that can enable an escape from shame.

Setting boundaries in adulthood often times feels unnatural, not because we weren’t born to have personal needs and boundaries but because society “socialized” it the hell out of us.

How do you know if your personal boundaries are not where they should be?

• You feel disconnected from yourself and unsure of what you want or need
• You find yourself often doing what you think other people want you to do
• You fear speaking up when something feels unfair or wrong
• You seek validation from external sources, when you can’t find it within
• You feel a need to constantly please others even when it means you feel depleted
• You often feel anger bubbling up within in reaction to a sense of unfairness
• You find yourself complaining being taking advantage of and being treated unfairly

Often when we start to recognize the invasion of our own boundaries, we can feel sad and angry.

When we initially start to reassert ourselves, we may feel the need to push back in a manner that might seem abrasive because it setting boundaries might feel unnatural and with delicate budding boundaries, we are afraid that they might be trampled on and disappear.

When trying to reassert our boundaries it is important to:

1. Understand what we really need when setting the boundary
2. Decide which boundaries are really important to us
3. Understand that when we suddenly start to assert our boundaries, we are rewriting relational contracts that may have existed for years and those around us may not be aware of this need or may even been caught off guard, unaware of any discomfort that had existed prior.
4. Set up new boundaries with assertion and empathy. When we define our boundaries we can explain this need to those around us with a soft assuredness. We do not need to be abrasive when we know within ourselves that we are entitled to the boundary we are trying to set. 

The boundaries we might need to set are intricately connected with our core needs. If we have spent years disconnected from ourselves, the process of rediscovering boundaries will likely take time, patience, self-compassion and an empathic understanding of how our boundaries impact our surroundings.

While the process is not simple, it is an important part of reacquainting ourselves with ourselves and living a life that feels more authentic to our core.